Ode to Graduate School

This isn't really an ode....it's just more like a tirade.

In my quest for self-punishment, I foolishly decided that grad school would be a really great choice for me this year. This decision turned out to be in line with the majority of decisions that have come before it.....dim sighted. What the heck was I thinking??? There's a distinct possibility that I need some kind of 12 step program for self-abasement. What's next? Flogging myself? Am I really not that far removed from the albino wackjob in The Di Vinci Code? (Excellent performance by Paul Bettany, by the way!)

So here's another rousing top ten list of things I can't stand or confuse me about graduate school:

10)As hard as it is to believe, I'm actually paying quite a bit of money for this torture.

9) Why haven't any long term studies been done on the relationship between childbearing and decreased brain mass? Inquiring (albeit...forgetful and disoriented) minds want to know!

8) Why do the youth of today hate me?

7) It is really unnecessary to have a Ph.D if your eventual career path leads you in a direction to point out my shortcomings.

6) Seriously....what use is a Master's Degree these days? I'd be better off sitting at home and honing my Guitar Hero skills. That will probably be more impressive on the resume that I will someday submit to a previous UCA student that failed to matriculate due to their addiction to gaming but whose future employment was not impacted when they invented the latest and greatest Facebook application that sweeps the nation.

5) When does reiteration start to resemble 'line writing' like we did for swearing? Cause that's where I want to take my papers...right up to before that threshold to make my page minimums. (If you have no idea what 'line writing' is, I promise you will find nothing of use or value on this blog)

4) Do I really need to know that George Washington wasn't our first president? Seriously? Is there a half penny or something that I don't know about? Is it still in circulation??? Has anyone stopped to consider how fragile my foundation in primary education is? The realization that I have been improperly schooled about such a pivotal piece of education might bring the whole house of learning cards down on me. What next? Bill Clinton wasn't really a jogger??? Where does the madness end?

3) How in the heck am I supposed to excel in graduate school when I can't even figure out how to open the intranet to get my freakin' homework assignments?

2) Wanna know how every single downfall through out civilization has occurred? GROUP WORK! The dark ages? It broke out after a little group work. Spanish Inquisition? Group work. Cold War? A little thing called group work. The implosion of the Challenger? Group work there too. Get the picture?

1) Graduate school just BITES!!!

What does your wedding dress say about you?

Recently, I became aware of an article that was published by Forbes
about what your wedding dress says about you. The article I'm referring to can be found here.

I disagreed with many of the conclusions that were drawn so I've decided to start my own now list:

Ruffles: Forbes says that picking a dress like this makes you Ready to Party. Really? Ready to party? Because to me, it only looks like you stand ready to distribute hundreds of yards of toilet paper to a Charmin challenged nation.

Sheath: Evidently, a sheath dress means that you are Modern. I guess if modern means 'totally devoid of any appealing shape whatsoever' then they are right on the money!

Empire: Supposedly, an empire waistline means that you are Old Fashioned. And by old fashioned they must mean fond of yesteryear where the ladies cinched up their diaphragms and decided not to breath for a few hours until released from their misery. It looks like the only thing this empire dress reminds this bride of is how she adores the taste of blood. Either Empire is slang for Vampire, or she's about to set everyone in the church on fire after being bathed in matrimonial pig blood.

Halter: Halter dresses mean you are Practical. Practically what? Practically about to cause your minister to pass out when he sees your squished and squeezed cleavage? How practical are you? Practical enough to use it as an apron after the ceremony? Sometimes there should be a limit to practicality. Who the heck wants to be practical on their wedding day anyway? Lie to your average and uber conscious bride and tell her what a diva she looks like....only remember to say it again when she's standing in the kitchen baking cookies in it later!

Sleeves: Brides who chose dresses with sleeves are Modest. That's code for 'You think your arms are too fat!'

If you must wear sleeves, please don't wear them attached to a dress that looks like it was made out of your grandma's doilies!

Ball Gown: A woman that walks down the aisle in a ball gown is Extravagant. Extravagant? No. Setting yourself up for failure? Yes! You might seriously think you're walking down the aisle to meet your prince charming. If so, that Thigh Master that he buys you for your 6th birthday together will dispel that nasty assumption! When your staring at his dirty underwear on the floor a year from now, you'll think you traded George Clooney for Homer Simpson. He doesn't leave his dirty laundry on the floor? All that means is that he's waiting for you guys to have kids so that they create a buffer of distraction to conceal his dastardly deed.

Mermaid: Mermaid choosers are Proud of Their Curves. Nope. It means your devoid of all taste and from the looks of this model, are quite possibly headless to boot.

Strapless: Conventional

If this appeared on the GRE test, it would be a test of your ability to unravel antonyms. Seriously? We've gotten to a point in society where wearing a strapless dress in a church is conventional? We have strange conventions.

Short: Brides that prefer things short are Unconventional. See... If you are unsure based on the hemline, you can also tell she's unconventional by the way her dress has straps on it. (See above) The other dead giveaway is that most people that attach clam shells to their person are not brides, but are aquatic performers of some kind. Bum rap for aquatic performers since I'm sure a great many of them consider themselves to be conventional by any other measure.

Goddess: Women that choose this type of gown are considered Fashion Forward. I'm thinking schizophrenic. There's a possibility that personality A wanted to go with a sheath, while personality B really wanted to accentuate her curves (bad taste) by wearing a mermaid. But wait, Sybil's not done yet. Personality C wanted to go all the way with a strapless, but poor Personality D just wanted to keep things unconventional. Needless to say, if your new brides comes strolling down the aisle in this little number...you had better have an abundance of mental health insurance. Momma's gonna need it!

Another.......

Crazy Harry vs. Steve Buscemi

Another to ponder

Celebrity Lookalikes

I like celebrities that look like different people, things, animals, muppets, etc.

Here's one for consideration:




Donatella Versace and Janice from the Muppets

Nevermind me...Just tighten the straightjacket!

Ah. Home ownership. Doesn't it sound grand? Doesn't the mere mention of it make the flowers brighter and the birds chirpier and the sun...well, SUNNIER???

After having spent an entire weekend working in my new house to make it presentable, I can tell you that the groaning of a breaking back will override the chirping of those birds every FREAKIN' time! How much work did I do? Enough to inspire one of my Top Ten lists. But because of a lack of follow through and because my hands hurt SO bad...I'm limiting it to only 5.

The Top Five things that EVERY homeowner needs to understand:

1) Procrastination is NOT your friend. If you put off pulling those 5 inch weeds for a few weeks, there will only be 25 inch weeds there to greet you later. Unless, you finagle a way to get a neighborhood kid to pull them for a minute amount of money. That usually requires some good "dirt" on the kid though and now they are into virally displaying their "dirt" for everyone to see as a passage into ce-web-rity. Good luck blackmailing them now!

2) Just because you own a faucet AND a crescent wrench doesn't mean you are licensed to use them together. Quit being cheap and hire someone. Divorce is WAY more expensive than a plumber.

3) The amount that gets done at your house in a weekend is directly proportional to the amount of time your television is on. Save yourself the trouble of blowing out your vocal cords and just unplug the stupid thing. Children even up to the age of 14 or so will believe that lightning DID, in fact, strike only your television and it sets them up to witness a miracle of massive proportions on Monday when the stupid box turns back on. Be a "dream giver" to your children!

4) There are 24 hours in a day. Most projects will take twice to three times as long as you have them "scheduled" for. Your check list may look impressive on paper, but it is likely to be unattainable in real life. Don't worry- you will have plenty time to keep the "fun" going on Monday night while you kids are plastered blank faced in front of the tv shaking from withdrawals.

5) Don't buy one of everything. 99.9% of tools can be borrowed from others. In fact, I contend that's why God created neighbors. Don't become a plight though, return the love by making some great coffee as a thank you. That... or give them the television that you were able to do without for an entire weekend. Heck, maybe your kids will follow the tv and move in with them too! That's a great upside to borrowing!

Oh yeah....TWO memberships!

So, a good friend of mine (well, I think she's good. Sometimes I sense a "darkness" about her...but that's just mostly when we're running) sent me this blog link to a woman lamenting the fact that she pays approximately $157 every time she enters the gym due to her sporadic attendance. Coming from someone that hasn't entered her gyms...yes PLURAL...gymSSSSS in over 5 months, I just wanted to take a moment to say that her level of commitment to wasting money does not impress me!!! What an amateur! I can beat that.

Now,I may not actually be able to PHYSICALLY beat that because as I have already mentioned...I don't actually visit my gymSSSSS. However, I can FIGURATIVELY beat that all day long. It is a horrible misappropriation of budgeting to own a gym membership that you never intend to use. Think of all the bags of potato chips or slurpees you could be buying with that hard earned money! The possibilities for snack food is endless.

But once you are indeed the owner to TWO memberships that you never intend to use...that's when you enter the same plane as the giants! That's when you've taken it to the next level and elevated your personal level of sloveness to new heights!

It's like settling for a size 14 pair of pants when you COULD be wearing a 16! Where is your follow through...you sense of dedication??!!!

I know there are others out there like me. They're thinking......I NEED another one!!! Why have I placed a glass ceiling on myself? I need TWO gymSSSS that I never intend to frequent. Don't be afraid!!! I am NOT unique...you TOO can have multiple gymSSSS and plenty of excuses for not going to them. REACH FOR THE STARS!!!!

Pre-Marital Advice

You know...sitting through pre-marital class last night, I started compiling a list of the advice I would like to give but probably shouldn't. Not that this advice wouldn't be helpful, but that it would be a downer to anyone actually about to tie the knot. So instead of sending my class of 10 ewey, gooey couples into cardiac arrest about the BIGGEST DECISION they are making in their lives, I will refrain and allow my virtual alter ego post online in cyberspace whereas not to scare poor counselies:

1) He/She WILL become your Mother/Father. I know you don't see it now...but TRUST ME on this. By the slim chance that they don't become YOUR mother or father, they will become THEIR mother or father. Either way, there is going to be a family resemblance.

2) When you do end up fighting, notice I didn't say "IF", don't try to hide it from your friends and loved ones. We will immediately consider you suspect and won't trust you with anything else important...like providing the pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

3) Did I mention that you WILL eventually fight? Don't get depressed at the prospect, just try not to draw blood. If anything, it should reaffirm you to know that you are human and incapable of sharing toothpaste for an extended period of time.

4) In the long run, it won't matter a hill of beans what colors or styles your bridesmaids are wearing. As long as the bride, the groom, and the pastor show up...it's all good. Besides, no matter WHAT you pick, your dear Aunt Mabel isn't going to like it anyway and will take ample opportunity at the reception to discuss both her dislike for your color choice and how wide your dress makes you look. Pray your spouse doesn't bypass your parents and end up becoming dear Aunt Mabel.

5) Over the course of this event and the planning thereof, either her mother or his mother is going to have their feelings hurt. In all reality, it will be both.

6) Regardless of how much your parents are in agreement with your nuptials, his parents have talked at length about the brides' shortcomings and visaversa. It's just a fact of life. As parents, we have so closely monitored our children's decisions that we can't help but be skeptical. I mean, are we really supposed to completely trust the judgement of someone that decided at 15 to start claiming "street cred"? Not going to happen. If it escalates to the point of a Jerry Springer episode, you might want to call off the wedding.

7)If you don't like his mother now...you for SURE are not going to like her when the advice about rearing your first child starts to surface. If you don't like her mother....run now!!!

8) Please spend as much time picking your mate as you do picking your prom dress. The same goes for him...don't invest more energy in choosing your car than you do your potential wife. The perfect prom dress is rarely found after the first store and there are no lemon laws concerning wives.

9) If anyone tells you they are an expert in marriage, call your pastor immediately. There is a demon possessed person standing in front of you that needs to be excised.

10) All in all, your potential mate should be a perfect match in all realms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When all else fails, make sure that spiritual part works out...cause it's only by the GRACE of God that you're gonna make this thing work!

A little extra: We'll call it 10+

Consider ALL marital advice as suspect! That includes this blog.

Deal or No Deal.

Last night, I had the rare opportunity to actually watch a little television. Flipping through the channels, I barely took notice of the "big brother" shows or the cop drama. I kept right on flipping until I got the the game show Deal or No Deal. And there, much to my husband's dismay, I sat the remote aside and concentrated all of my attention on whether some amateur baseball player was going to walk away from the table $1,000,000 richer.

The premise of the show is easy enough. The contestant is given a case in which it holds a certain amount of money. A large number of scantily clad women appear on the stage with identical cases that contain various amounts of money anywhere from .01 to 1,000,000. The contestant must choose cases one at a time, and the amount that is in each case is no longer available to the contestant. Throughout the game, the "banker" will make offers to the contestant to entice the player to step away from the game with a "settlement" amount. If the player decides to decline the offer, than that contestant gets to pick more cases before being offered a settlement again. The whole idea of the game is to keep that 1,000,000 case from being opened, in which case, the contestant becomes 1 million dollars richer.

So, last night, I sat with baited breath waiting to see if this guy was going to win it all. Starting off, the man was confident that he was going to take home the million. Time went on, cases were opened and still, the 1,000,000 case was still available. The banker made counter offers trying to get him to stop playing. He opened more cases. His chances were looking better and better. The banker made another offer. More cases were opened...his chances were better still. It was risky, but he was still in the game, the prize was still within his reach. The banker made yet another offer...a good offer. More cases, no million. Still in the running, but the man's demeanor started to waiver...how in the world was he actually going to get the million? The banker gave him an offer, and then...the man that was SO convinced that his case had the million...just upped and quit. He settled. Sure it was for 100K dollars! A good deal of money to walk away with. But not the prize that his sights had been set on at first. Far from it. He had settled big time.

After the players walk away from the game, they always continue through and ask the contestant what cases they would have opened next. He kept choosing and each time, there wasn't 1,000,000 in the women's cases. As it turns out, he was holding the million dollar case the entire time. The prize that he wanted and was sure that he would be blessed with was always within his reach.

I felt bad for the guy! But more importantly, I started thinking about how this is just like how we treat God's promises. So many times we want the big blessing, we start off believing that He wants to give us the big blessing. But then, as time goes on and trials come and other offers surface, we start to doubt that we either A) deserve the blessing or that B) God has the blessing for us in the first place.

Can you imagine what like would be like if we just said "No deal"...."I'm not settling anymore for less than the absolute BEST that God has for me!" It's risky, no doubt. But everything in life is about taking chances. I figure my chances with God have GOT to be better than the deals I am willing to settle for in life.

Weather, smeather

What in the world? No seriously....WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!?!

60 degrees in the morning and an expected accumulation of an inch of snow by tonight? The only goes to further my theory that the gubment DOES indeed control the weather and that we are merely pawns in this fiasco. Somehow though, the good citizens of Arizona have avoided detection up until this point. Strange.

I know that we need sunshine for the golf course, but I teeter back and forth between purchasing stock in Watson's and North Face. I guess I'll go with North Face. They don't seem to promote their products with sexy, half-dressed spokeswomen. Although I have to give Watson's mad props for advertising their pools and spas with flotation devices. That shows forethought!

I'm a masochist

Well, we bought a new house. Aside from the fact that I'm about to hyperventilate at the thought of carrying two mortgages, I'm doing pretty good.

It has a pool. That seemed like a REALLY good idea until I came to the realization that I was going to have to wear a swimsuit. Even with pepto, I'm still nauseous about it. I MUST be a masochist.

On a completely unrelated note, why can't I spell check my blogger posts? Does anyone know?

Flying...flying....flying

I'm taking off today to Willamsburg, VA. I'm a basket case. I REALLY don't like to fly. REALLY DON'T!!! I don't know why it makes me so nervous. The security stuff really freaks me out!

On top of that, my husband is home negotiating the contract on a new house! There's some drama for you...as if I didn't have enough to worry about. Did I happen to mention that I have had NO PEDICURE for over 6 months now. Do you know how bad my toes looked when I took my shoes off. I thought the poor security guy was going to call "OPEN TOE SHOE VIOLATION" on me. Good thing I am not flying internationally, I'm sure that would have been a deal braker.

The only thing keeping me sane is the thought that I may be able to dip my toes in a sparkling pool of cool ecstacy this summer if all goes according to plans. Hopefully I'll remember to clean the stupid pool before my new shiny pedicure becomes leaf encrusted. After further thought, that's what I have children for, after all.

Britney for President!!!

I think I've hit on something.

In an age where "one stop shopping" is the driving force behind everything from banking to burritos, let's consider the idea of combining American fascination with current political practices.

I vote that we elect Britney. Think of the positive benefits here: She never hides ANY of her embarrassing mistakes from us, she is calling into question the entire pharmacutical industry by performing personal evaluations on a myriad of products simultaneously, she has 24/7 media coverage so that no covert or shady dealings might be missed by a blissfully unaware public, and running mates....can you imagine the endless possibilities here??? Paris, Lindsey, the list could go on and on.

And the VERY best reason that we should elect Britney as the next president of the United States of America is that FINALLY the average American citizen won't be saddled with the delima that is... How do I devote enough time to learning about my country and my responsibility as a citizen without missing the lastest episode of Entertainment Tonight? Better yet...the her campaign slogan could be...

"I learned everything I needed to know about being a US citizen by watching the E channel!"

I don't think our current polling sites would be able to support the influx of new voters. In fact, I predict that a full 20% of the population might actually turn out to vote.

I believe in personal responsibility. In our attempt to help everyone up, we have forgotten to teach them how to climb on their own.

I believe we shouldn't expect our citizens to be more financially responsible then our government is committed to being.

I believe in the sanctity of life from womb til death. Though I don't value any life (the smallest) more than others, I do feel they are at a disadvantage of not being in a position to help themselves and should be looked after because of that. I understand medical necessities and then I understand just not being responsible. I can sympathize with one side, but not the other.

I believe that our government should be small and efficient. If it took less money to run it, that would leave more money for average citizens to help those around them. I don't feel that we have focused on the individual, I feel that we have focused on the individual's "plight" and because of that have essentially turned them into only a "number" again.

I don't believe that "Capitalism" is a dirty word. I think it makes sense to preserve it. Just because there are a few things out of whack doesn't mean you scrap the whole thing. It DID get us this far.

I believe that if we do fund social initiatives, that they should be closely monitored and should inspire responsibility in those that participate...like Heifer International. I think the pendulum has swung too far and we have created "glass ceilings" on personal achievement.

I DO NOT want the government regulating my health care. I just don't believe they have the capacity to handle such a beast and fear that it would become an even larger nightmare. Could you imagine a doctor's office run like your local DMV office??? And I'm a STATE EMPLOYEE!