Nevermind me...Just tighten the straightjacket!

Ah. Home ownership. Doesn't it sound grand? Doesn't the mere mention of it make the flowers brighter and the birds chirpier and the sun...well, SUNNIER???

After having spent an entire weekend working in my new house to make it presentable, I can tell you that the groaning of a breaking back will override the chirping of those birds every FREAKIN' time! How much work did I do? Enough to inspire one of my Top Ten lists. But because of a lack of follow through and because my hands hurt SO bad...I'm limiting it to only 5.

The Top Five things that EVERY homeowner needs to understand:

1) Procrastination is NOT your friend. If you put off pulling those 5 inch weeds for a few weeks, there will only be 25 inch weeds there to greet you later. Unless, you finagle a way to get a neighborhood kid to pull them for a minute amount of money. That usually requires some good "dirt" on the kid though and now they are into virally displaying their "dirt" for everyone to see as a passage into ce-web-rity. Good luck blackmailing them now!

2) Just because you own a faucet AND a crescent wrench doesn't mean you are licensed to use them together. Quit being cheap and hire someone. Divorce is WAY more expensive than a plumber.

3) The amount that gets done at your house in a weekend is directly proportional to the amount of time your television is on. Save yourself the trouble of blowing out your vocal cords and just unplug the stupid thing. Children even up to the age of 14 or so will believe that lightning DID, in fact, strike only your television and it sets them up to witness a miracle of massive proportions on Monday when the stupid box turns back on. Be a "dream giver" to your children!

4) There are 24 hours in a day. Most projects will take twice to three times as long as you have them "scheduled" for. Your check list may look impressive on paper, but it is likely to be unattainable in real life. Don't worry- you will have plenty time to keep the "fun" going on Monday night while you kids are plastered blank faced in front of the tv shaking from withdrawals.

5) Don't buy one of everything. 99.9% of tools can be borrowed from others. In fact, I contend that's why God created neighbors. Don't become a plight though, return the love by making some great coffee as a thank you. That... or give them the television that you were able to do without for an entire weekend. Heck, maybe your kids will follow the tv and move in with them too! That's a great upside to borrowing!

Here's a little story 'bout a man named Silas...

Why does my one-year old understand that I am incapable for catching him in my transformer boot (see below). Does that seem fair? I don't think that's fair!

I don't get it. He will sit and take a toy and hit himself over and over in the head again and again and again trying to see if it will always produce the same outcome. How in the world can THAT SAME CHILD understand that I am incapacitated???

God MUST have a sense of humor!

Either that or his Daddy explained it all to him. Probably both, which explains how I ended up with my husband AND my son.

Ode to my walking boot.....

Have you ever seen such a beautiful boot?

Seriously, have you?

A lot of people would look at this boot and think....."Whoa, Stormtrooper coming through". But me? I think it has a bit of a 'Transformer' look to it. Besides, what other boot do I have with not one...but TWO fabulous metal sticks on the side???

Alas, this is going to be a long 3 to 6 weeks! On the upside, it gives me a legitimate reason not to be working out. Not that I was above using all those illegitimate reasons before.

6 Degrees of Jenny

I work with Jenny. She's a nice girl. She is also relationally inbred. I overlook this little fact because she IS such a nice girl....well, I DID overlook it. But now she has invaded my life and has started her inbreeding within my family unit. I'm not down with that....not at all.

Evidently, Greek organizations (in your adult years) are the ties that bind and gag. Jenny and her husband have a small select group of friends (frat and sorority) that all intermingle and cohabitate....which leads me to refer to her "friendships" as "inbreeding". She doesn't mean to (I don't think) and she's a really outgoing girl. So, why do all of their friends travel in a pack? Why don't they date outside the circle? Why is EVERYONE in the state somehow friends with or dating friends of Jenny? And most importantly....WHY IS MY COUSIN'S PICTURE IN HER CAMERA!?!?!

That's right. She's expanded her little clan circle to include my family members! While looking over some of her pictures from a recent shower, I stopped short after realizing that my cousin was involved in her weekend tom-foolery. After her repeated cries of ....."SHUT UP" ceased, I determined that it was indeed my cousin Amy and that I had fallen victim to the "Jenny trap".

I guess it's ok. Unless Amy starts wearing cast off costumes from Little House on the Prairie and asking to marry another man in addition to my cousin Chad.

Today at UCA

So, I had an exciting day today!