When Heartbreak Happens

Sometimes its funny how a conversation with a friend leads you to remember the very simple facts that are foundational in your relationship with God. The following is a reflection on my miscarriage and what I learned from it.

During the last several years, we had only used Natural Family Planning because my system just gets totally out of whack on hormonal birth control. Anyway, we were very careful, but ended up pregnant a few years ago right around New Years. I was shocked. In fact, truth be told, I wasn't ready for another baby. Our last daughter was only around two at the time and I like to have mine more spaced out for sanity sake.

Anyway, needless to say, I was upset and worried. Around the beginning of the second month, I started to feel a little better about it all. Through prayer and the support of my husband, I began to believe that God was indeed going to take care of us. In my sixth week of pregnancy, I started having irregular bleeding. I hadn't done this with ANY of my previous pregnancies and was very concerned. I called my doctor and she agreed to do an early ultrasound. We saw the little flashing heartbeat and she told me "Never fear" because she rarely ever looses a baby once she sees a heart beat. We went home relieved. Needless to say, I miscarried the very next day.

Numb. That's the only way I can describe it. I felt numb. After that wore off, I moved on the anger. It took me several weeks to move through the different emotions until I came to a place to understand that God would indeed redeem this situation just like he had done so many times in my life. Sometimes I still wonder. But I know that the pain that I went through is overshadowed by the chance I have to give someone else hope.

We conceived my son only 5 months after that. He's the wild child running through the nursery named Silas.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. I'm not smart enough to figure everything out...but I do know that it is during times of hurt and disappointment that bring us closer to God. I don't believe we suffer just to rekindle our relationship with him, but I do believe it is sometimes the only silver lining in a bleak and cloudy season. Some day, I'll be able to ask why things like this happen, but until then, I take comfort in the fact that in times of trouble, he not only cares, but waits for me to come flying into his arms.

Ode to Graduate School

This isn't really an ode....it's just more like a tirade.

In my quest for self-punishment, I foolishly decided that grad school would be a really great choice for me this year. This decision turned out to be in line with the majority of decisions that have come before it.....dim sighted. What the heck was I thinking??? There's a distinct possibility that I need some kind of 12 step program for self-abasement. What's next? Flogging myself? Am I really not that far removed from the albino wackjob in The Di Vinci Code? (Excellent performance by Paul Bettany, by the way!)

So here's another rousing top ten list of things I can't stand or confuse me about graduate school:

10)As hard as it is to believe, I'm actually paying quite a bit of money for this torture.

9) Why haven't any long term studies been done on the relationship between childbearing and decreased brain mass? Inquiring (albeit...forgetful and disoriented) minds want to know!

8) Why do the youth of today hate me?

7) It is really unnecessary to have a Ph.D if your eventual career path leads you in a direction to point out my shortcomings.

6) Seriously....what use is a Master's Degree these days? I'd be better off sitting at home and honing my Guitar Hero skills. That will probably be more impressive on the resume that I will someday submit to a previous UCA student that failed to matriculate due to their addiction to gaming but whose future employment was not impacted when they invented the latest and greatest Facebook application that sweeps the nation.

5) When does reiteration start to resemble 'line writing' like we did for swearing? Cause that's where I want to take my papers...right up to before that threshold to make my page minimums. (If you have no idea what 'line writing' is, I promise you will find nothing of use or value on this blog)

4) Do I really need to know that George Washington wasn't our first president? Seriously? Is there a half penny or something that I don't know about? Is it still in circulation??? Has anyone stopped to consider how fragile my foundation in primary education is? The realization that I have been improperly schooled about such a pivotal piece of education might bring the whole house of learning cards down on me. What next? Bill Clinton wasn't really a jogger??? Where does the madness end?

3) How in the heck am I supposed to excel in graduate school when I can't even figure out how to open the intranet to get my freakin' homework assignments?

2) Wanna know how every single downfall through out civilization has occurred? GROUP WORK! The dark ages? It broke out after a little group work. Spanish Inquisition? Group work. Cold War? A little thing called group work. The implosion of the Challenger? Group work there too. Get the picture?

1) Graduate school just BITES!!!