When Heartbreak Happens

Sometimes its funny how a conversation with a friend leads you to remember the very simple facts that are foundational in your relationship with God. The following is a reflection on my miscarriage and what I learned from it.

During the last several years, we had only used Natural Family Planning because my system just gets totally out of whack on hormonal birth control. Anyway, we were very careful, but ended up pregnant a few years ago right around New Years. I was shocked. In fact, truth be told, I wasn't ready for another baby. Our last daughter was only around two at the time and I like to have mine more spaced out for sanity sake.

Anyway, needless to say, I was upset and worried. Around the beginning of the second month, I started to feel a little better about it all. Through prayer and the support of my husband, I began to believe that God was indeed going to take care of us. In my sixth week of pregnancy, I started having irregular bleeding. I hadn't done this with ANY of my previous pregnancies and was very concerned. I called my doctor and she agreed to do an early ultrasound. We saw the little flashing heartbeat and she told me "Never fear" because she rarely ever looses a baby once she sees a heart beat. We went home relieved. Needless to say, I miscarried the very next day.

Numb. That's the only way I can describe it. I felt numb. After that wore off, I moved on the anger. It took me several weeks to move through the different emotions until I came to a place to understand that God would indeed redeem this situation just like he had done so many times in my life. Sometimes I still wonder. But I know that the pain that I went through is overshadowed by the chance I have to give someone else hope.

We conceived my son only 5 months after that. He's the wild child running through the nursery named Silas.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. I'm not smart enough to figure everything out...but I do know that it is during times of hurt and disappointment that bring us closer to God. I don't believe we suffer just to rekindle our relationship with him, but I do believe it is sometimes the only silver lining in a bleak and cloudy season. Some day, I'll be able to ask why things like this happen, but until then, I take comfort in the fact that in times of trouble, he not only cares, but waits for me to come flying into his arms.