What does your wedding dress say about you?

Recently, I became aware of an article that was published by Forbes
about what your wedding dress says about you. The article I'm referring to can be found here.

I disagreed with many of the conclusions that were drawn so I've decided to start my own now list:

Ruffles: Forbes says that picking a dress like this makes you Ready to Party. Really? Ready to party? Because to me, it only looks like you stand ready to distribute hundreds of yards of toilet paper to a Charmin challenged nation.

Sheath: Evidently, a sheath dress means that you are Modern. I guess if modern means 'totally devoid of any appealing shape whatsoever' then they are right on the money!

Empire: Supposedly, an empire waistline means that you are Old Fashioned. And by old fashioned they must mean fond of yesteryear where the ladies cinched up their diaphragms and decided not to breath for a few hours until released from their misery. It looks like the only thing this empire dress reminds this bride of is how she adores the taste of blood. Either Empire is slang for Vampire, or she's about to set everyone in the church on fire after being bathed in matrimonial pig blood.

Halter: Halter dresses mean you are Practical. Practically what? Practically about to cause your minister to pass out when he sees your squished and squeezed cleavage? How practical are you? Practical enough to use it as an apron after the ceremony? Sometimes there should be a limit to practicality. Who the heck wants to be practical on their wedding day anyway? Lie to your average and uber conscious bride and tell her what a diva she looks like....only remember to say it again when she's standing in the kitchen baking cookies in it later!

Sleeves: Brides who chose dresses with sleeves are Modest. That's code for 'You think your arms are too fat!'

If you must wear sleeves, please don't wear them attached to a dress that looks like it was made out of your grandma's doilies!

Ball Gown: A woman that walks down the aisle in a ball gown is Extravagant. Extravagant? No. Setting yourself up for failure? Yes! You might seriously think you're walking down the aisle to meet your prince charming. If so, that Thigh Master that he buys you for your 6th birthday together will dispel that nasty assumption! When your staring at his dirty underwear on the floor a year from now, you'll think you traded George Clooney for Homer Simpson. He doesn't leave his dirty laundry on the floor? All that means is that he's waiting for you guys to have kids so that they create a buffer of distraction to conceal his dastardly deed.

Mermaid: Mermaid choosers are Proud of Their Curves. Nope. It means your devoid of all taste and from the looks of this model, are quite possibly headless to boot.

Strapless: Conventional

If this appeared on the GRE test, it would be a test of your ability to unravel antonyms. Seriously? We've gotten to a point in society where wearing a strapless dress in a church is conventional? We have strange conventions.

Short: Brides that prefer things short are Unconventional. See... If you are unsure based on the hemline, you can also tell she's unconventional by the way her dress has straps on it. (See above) The other dead giveaway is that most people that attach clam shells to their person are not brides, but are aquatic performers of some kind. Bum rap for aquatic performers since I'm sure a great many of them consider themselves to be conventional by any other measure.

Goddess: Women that choose this type of gown are considered Fashion Forward. I'm thinking schizophrenic. There's a possibility that personality A wanted to go with a sheath, while personality B really wanted to accentuate her curves (bad taste) by wearing a mermaid. But wait, Sybil's not done yet. Personality C wanted to go all the way with a strapless, but poor Personality D just wanted to keep things unconventional. Needless to say, if your new brides comes strolling down the aisle in this little number...you had better have an abundance of mental health insurance. Momma's gonna need it!

So.....what's a body look like?

So, like every other family in America, we've been glued to the tube the last few days watching Phelps gather up gold medals like Easter eggs. Although watching him (and all the wonderful competitors, both American and otherwise) is indeed a site to see, my husband and I both witnessed the most awesome experience during the opening ceremonies.

As we sat on the couch and watched scene after scene, it became overwhelming how harmoniously the Chinese performers worked together to create such a show of symmetry! I have seen marching bands that would be considered by many to be impressive, but it was NOTHING compared to what we saw take place that night: Every step was assured, every single individual worked with those around them to become like one moving picture... one body.

Eventually, it got to a part where there were a collection of boxes in the center of the arena. Hundreds and hundreds of boxes that all moved up and down to create really complex designs. My husband and I argued over whether they were computerized. "Those are DEFINITELY people under there, Jason!" "No way, Heather, there is NO WAY people could work that well together as one." "Oh yes they could, if they were Chinese!"

Needless to say, a few minutes later I was vindicated. Up jumped the boxes and people poured out from under their cardboard 'shells'. Instead of rubbing in my meager victory, I was absolutely stopped dead in my tracks by my husband's response...

"You know, that's what we're supposed to be like... the Body of Christ. Can you imagine the impact that we would have and the things that we could accomplish if we could stop arguing and feeling superior long enough to really work together as God intended? Not only would it be efficient, look at how captivating it is to others watching?"

Believe it or not, that revelation rendered me speechless.

Deep Thoughts From a Source...Albeit a STRANGE Source!

Sometimes you find wisdom in the strangest of places.

I don't know if it's because I'm cynical or because I'm jaded, but for the most part, I don't put a lot of stock in Christian television speakers. Now, I'm not saying they all reek of commercialism and greed, but the sad truth is that many people that say they come in the name of Jesus, have proven themselves to only be coming for that next pledge or donation.

In addition to this mistrust of television evangelists, I don't watch a lot of television. I do make an effort to watch it here and there (a little show called 'House' comes to mind), but for the most part, my ears don't perk up for anything other than a few sarcastic remarks from Hugh Laurie or the mesmerizing theme song for yet ANOTHER rerun of Law and Order that I will happily watch again. Added to this is the belief that anything on television during daylight hours is bound to destroy brain cells at a faster rate than huffing.

Imagine my surprise at finding myself watching Joyce Meyer this morning. For some unknown reason (divine appointment) I resisted the urge to turn off the tv and sat for a few minutes to watch. She was speaking on Boldness and Confidence...two areas that I fail in miserably.

This is the basic gist of the teaching:

1) You've been given an opportunity to ask for what you need and desire as long as it falls into the will of God.

2) Because of your position in the belief of Jesus, you have the ability to approach the Lord with confidence and boldness as spoken of in SEVERAL scriptures both Old and New with your petitions.

3) When we don't approach with confidence and boldness, it is out of false humility and fear (that sounds familiar).

4) We can't allow obstacles to keep us from doing the work that has been laid out for us. The Lord has put specific passions in our hearts for a reason. If you push through the obstacles and keep going, a blessing waits on the other side.

Wisdom. Even when it comes out of a tv. Say what you want about faith, but I think its UNCANNY how God will go the extra mile to make the same point twice to reaffirm that you're on the right path. Makes it easy for those of us that are cynical and not so good with directions.