What does your wedding dress say about you?

Recently, I became aware of an article that was published by Forbes
about what your wedding dress says about you. The article I'm referring to can be found here.

I disagreed with many of the conclusions that were drawn so I've decided to start my own now list:

Ruffles: Forbes says that picking a dress like this makes you Ready to Party. Really? Ready to party? Because to me, it only looks like you stand ready to distribute hundreds of yards of toilet paper to a Charmin challenged nation.

Sheath: Evidently, a sheath dress means that you are Modern. I guess if modern means 'totally devoid of any appealing shape whatsoever' then they are right on the money!

Empire: Supposedly, an empire waistline means that you are Old Fashioned. And by old fashioned they must mean fond of yesteryear where the ladies cinched up their diaphragms and decided not to breath for a few hours until released from their misery. It looks like the only thing this empire dress reminds this bride of is how she adores the taste of blood. Either Empire is slang for Vampire, or she's about to set everyone in the church on fire after being bathed in matrimonial pig blood.

Halter: Halter dresses mean you are Practical. Practically what? Practically about to cause your minister to pass out when he sees your squished and squeezed cleavage? How practical are you? Practical enough to use it as an apron after the ceremony? Sometimes there should be a limit to practicality. Who the heck wants to be practical on their wedding day anyway? Lie to your average and uber conscious bride and tell her what a diva she looks like....only remember to say it again when she's standing in the kitchen baking cookies in it later!

Sleeves: Brides who chose dresses with sleeves are Modest. That's code for 'You think your arms are too fat!'

If you must wear sleeves, please don't wear them attached to a dress that looks like it was made out of your grandma's doilies!

Ball Gown: A woman that walks down the aisle in a ball gown is Extravagant. Extravagant? No. Setting yourself up for failure? Yes! You might seriously think you're walking down the aisle to meet your prince charming. If so, that Thigh Master that he buys you for your 6th birthday together will dispel that nasty assumption! When your staring at his dirty underwear on the floor a year from now, you'll think you traded George Clooney for Homer Simpson. He doesn't leave his dirty laundry on the floor? All that means is that he's waiting for you guys to have kids so that they create a buffer of distraction to conceal his dastardly deed.

Mermaid: Mermaid choosers are Proud of Their Curves. Nope. It means your devoid of all taste and from the looks of this model, are quite possibly headless to boot.

Strapless: Conventional

If this appeared on the GRE test, it would be a test of your ability to unravel antonyms. Seriously? We've gotten to a point in society where wearing a strapless dress in a church is conventional? We have strange conventions.

Short: Brides that prefer things short are Unconventional. See... If you are unsure based on the hemline, you can also tell she's unconventional by the way her dress has straps on it. (See above) The other dead giveaway is that most people that attach clam shells to their person are not brides, but are aquatic performers of some kind. Bum rap for aquatic performers since I'm sure a great many of them consider themselves to be conventional by any other measure.

Goddess: Women that choose this type of gown are considered Fashion Forward. I'm thinking schizophrenic. There's a possibility that personality A wanted to go with a sheath, while personality B really wanted to accentuate her curves (bad taste) by wearing a mermaid. But wait, Sybil's not done yet. Personality C wanted to go all the way with a strapless, but poor Personality D just wanted to keep things unconventional. Needless to say, if your new brides comes strolling down the aisle in this little number...you had better have an abundance of mental health insurance. Momma's gonna need it!

Pre-Marital Advice

You know...sitting through pre-marital class last night, I started compiling a list of the advice I would like to give but probably shouldn't. Not that this advice wouldn't be helpful, but that it would be a downer to anyone actually about to tie the knot. So instead of sending my class of 10 ewey, gooey couples into cardiac arrest about the BIGGEST DECISION they are making in their lives, I will refrain and allow my virtual alter ego post online in cyberspace whereas not to scare poor counselies:

1) He/She WILL become your Mother/Father. I know you don't see it now...but TRUST ME on this. By the slim chance that they don't become YOUR mother or father, they will become THEIR mother or father. Either way, there is going to be a family resemblance.

2) When you do end up fighting, notice I didn't say "IF", don't try to hide it from your friends and loved ones. We will immediately consider you suspect and won't trust you with anything else important...like providing the pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

3) Did I mention that you WILL eventually fight? Don't get depressed at the prospect, just try not to draw blood. If anything, it should reaffirm you to know that you are human and incapable of sharing toothpaste for an extended period of time.

4) In the long run, it won't matter a hill of beans what colors or styles your bridesmaids are wearing. As long as the bride, the groom, and the pastor show up...it's all good. Besides, no matter WHAT you pick, your dear Aunt Mabel isn't going to like it anyway and will take ample opportunity at the reception to discuss both her dislike for your color choice and how wide your dress makes you look. Pray your spouse doesn't bypass your parents and end up becoming dear Aunt Mabel.

5) Over the course of this event and the planning thereof, either her mother or his mother is going to have their feelings hurt. In all reality, it will be both.

6) Regardless of how much your parents are in agreement with your nuptials, his parents have talked at length about the brides' shortcomings and visaversa. It's just a fact of life. As parents, we have so closely monitored our children's decisions that we can't help but be skeptical. I mean, are we really supposed to completely trust the judgement of someone that decided at 15 to start claiming "street cred"? Not going to happen. If it escalates to the point of a Jerry Springer episode, you might want to call off the wedding.

7)If you don't like his mother now...you for SURE are not going to like her when the advice about rearing your first child starts to surface. If you don't like her mother....run now!!!

8) Please spend as much time picking your mate as you do picking your prom dress. The same goes for him...don't invest more energy in choosing your car than you do your potential wife. The perfect prom dress is rarely found after the first store and there are no lemon laws concerning wives.

9) If anyone tells you they are an expert in marriage, call your pastor immediately. There is a demon possessed person standing in front of you that needs to be excised.

10) All in all, your potential mate should be a perfect match in all realms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When all else fails, make sure that spiritual part works out...cause it's only by the GRACE of God that you're gonna make this thing work!

A little extra: We'll call it 10+

Consider ALL marital advice as suspect! That includes this blog.