What does your wedding dress say about you?

Recently, I became aware of an article that was published by Forbes
about what your wedding dress says about you. The article I'm referring to can be found here.

I disagreed with many of the conclusions that were drawn so I've decided to start my own now list:

Ruffles: Forbes says that picking a dress like this makes you Ready to Party. Really? Ready to party? Because to me, it only looks like you stand ready to distribute hundreds of yards of toilet paper to a Charmin challenged nation.

Sheath: Evidently, a sheath dress means that you are Modern. I guess if modern means 'totally devoid of any appealing shape whatsoever' then they are right on the money!

Empire: Supposedly, an empire waistline means that you are Old Fashioned. And by old fashioned they must mean fond of yesteryear where the ladies cinched up their diaphragms and decided not to breath for a few hours until released from their misery. It looks like the only thing this empire dress reminds this bride of is how she adores the taste of blood. Either Empire is slang for Vampire, or she's about to set everyone in the church on fire after being bathed in matrimonial pig blood.

Halter: Halter dresses mean you are Practical. Practically what? Practically about to cause your minister to pass out when he sees your squished and squeezed cleavage? How practical are you? Practical enough to use it as an apron after the ceremony? Sometimes there should be a limit to practicality. Who the heck wants to be practical on their wedding day anyway? Lie to your average and uber conscious bride and tell her what a diva she looks like....only remember to say it again when she's standing in the kitchen baking cookies in it later!

Sleeves: Brides who chose dresses with sleeves are Modest. That's code for 'You think your arms are too fat!'

If you must wear sleeves, please don't wear them attached to a dress that looks like it was made out of your grandma's doilies!

Ball Gown: A woman that walks down the aisle in a ball gown is Extravagant. Extravagant? No. Setting yourself up for failure? Yes! You might seriously think you're walking down the aisle to meet your prince charming. If so, that Thigh Master that he buys you for your 6th birthday together will dispel that nasty assumption! When your staring at his dirty underwear on the floor a year from now, you'll think you traded George Clooney for Homer Simpson. He doesn't leave his dirty laundry on the floor? All that means is that he's waiting for you guys to have kids so that they create a buffer of distraction to conceal his dastardly deed.

Mermaid: Mermaid choosers are Proud of Their Curves. Nope. It means your devoid of all taste and from the looks of this model, are quite possibly headless to boot.

Strapless: Conventional

If this appeared on the GRE test, it would be a test of your ability to unravel antonyms. Seriously? We've gotten to a point in society where wearing a strapless dress in a church is conventional? We have strange conventions.

Short: Brides that prefer things short are Unconventional. See... If you are unsure based on the hemline, you can also tell she's unconventional by the way her dress has straps on it. (See above) The other dead giveaway is that most people that attach clam shells to their person are not brides, but are aquatic performers of some kind. Bum rap for aquatic performers since I'm sure a great many of them consider themselves to be conventional by any other measure.

Goddess: Women that choose this type of gown are considered Fashion Forward. I'm thinking schizophrenic. There's a possibility that personality A wanted to go with a sheath, while personality B really wanted to accentuate her curves (bad taste) by wearing a mermaid. But wait, Sybil's not done yet. Personality C wanted to go all the way with a strapless, but poor Personality D just wanted to keep things unconventional. Needless to say, if your new brides comes strolling down the aisle in this little number...you had better have an abundance of mental health insurance. Momma's gonna need it!