Nevermind me...Just tighten the straightjacket!

Ah. Home ownership. Doesn't it sound grand? Doesn't the mere mention of it make the flowers brighter and the birds chirpier and the sun...well, SUNNIER???

After having spent an entire weekend working in my new house to make it presentable, I can tell you that the groaning of a breaking back will override the chirping of those birds every FREAKIN' time! How much work did I do? Enough to inspire one of my Top Ten lists. But because of a lack of follow through and because my hands hurt SO bad...I'm limiting it to only 5.

The Top Five things that EVERY homeowner needs to understand:

1) Procrastination is NOT your friend. If you put off pulling those 5 inch weeds for a few weeks, there will only be 25 inch weeds there to greet you later. Unless, you finagle a way to get a neighborhood kid to pull them for a minute amount of money. That usually requires some good "dirt" on the kid though and now they are into virally displaying their "dirt" for everyone to see as a passage into ce-web-rity. Good luck blackmailing them now!

2) Just because you own a faucet AND a crescent wrench doesn't mean you are licensed to use them together. Quit being cheap and hire someone. Divorce is WAY more expensive than a plumber.

3) The amount that gets done at your house in a weekend is directly proportional to the amount of time your television is on. Save yourself the trouble of blowing out your vocal cords and just unplug the stupid thing. Children even up to the age of 14 or so will believe that lightning DID, in fact, strike only your television and it sets them up to witness a miracle of massive proportions on Monday when the stupid box turns back on. Be a "dream giver" to your children!

4) There are 24 hours in a day. Most projects will take twice to three times as long as you have them "scheduled" for. Your check list may look impressive on paper, but it is likely to be unattainable in real life. Don't worry- you will have plenty time to keep the "fun" going on Monday night while you kids are plastered blank faced in front of the tv shaking from withdrawals.

5) Don't buy one of everything. 99.9% of tools can be borrowed from others. In fact, I contend that's why God created neighbors. Don't become a plight though, return the love by making some great coffee as a thank you. That... or give them the television that you were able to do without for an entire weekend. Heck, maybe your kids will follow the tv and move in with them too! That's a great upside to borrowing!